Joke of the Day

	Joke of the Day Jim Wools dot com
	Joke of the day Yeah, I know there is more than one joke. It's because one NEW joke is added each day. So if you miss a day you can still read the old jokes. Get it? It's not rocket science! Comedy Central Joke Good Year Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms? A: Melt them into a tire and call it a good year. Demetri Martin: Stutter One of my friends has a stutter, and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense. Julian McCullough: Male Cleaning Schedule I used to live with five straight guys and -- ew, the cleaning schedule was 'nope.' Julian McCullough: Drunk Girl Orgasm Trying to get a drunk girl to finish is like trying to take a drunk girl home when she can't remember where she lives. She's like, 'That's not it, that's not it, that's not it.' Shane Mauss: Freakishly Skinny I've been freakishly skinny my entire life because there's a hole in my butt. Walks Into a Bar... Vampires Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood." The second one says, "I'll have one, too." The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma." The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?" Natasha Leggero: Male Comics Male comics are always coming up to me, and they're like, 'Hey, Natasha, don't you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian?' And I'm like, 'Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?' Jon Lajoie: Mysteries of the Universe I have this thing that I do called 'Mysteries of the Universe,' when I gaze up at the countless stars and infinite galaxies. I realize how small and insignificant my girlfriend is. So, I get drunk and cheat on her with my 18-year-old neighbor. Demetri Martin: Adult Toys It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy -- location, location, location. Boiled Egg What did the egg say to the boiling water? I don't think I can get hard, I just got laid this morning! Ultimate Rejection Q: What's the ultimate rejection? A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. Love and Herpes? Q: What's the difference between love and herpes? A: Herpes lasts forever. Men and Snowstorms Q: How is a man like a snowstorm? A: You don't know when it's going to come, how many inches you'll get or how long it'll last. Charlie Murphy: 6.5 Billion People on the Planet To put that number in perspective, 6.5 billion people is so many people that anything that's humanely imaginable, as you imagine it, somewhere on the planet, there is a motherfker doing it. Women and Bad Weather Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common? A: They all get the house. Pete Holmes: I Love New York There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that it's impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Think about that, that's true. 'Cause you can hear anything, at any hour -- there's always something to blame it on. Sinbad: Climb Mountains Black people start making money and want to do stuff we would never do, want to climb mountains. It's right there -- you ain't got to climb it, you got a house. Why you gotta go outside and climb a rock? Smallness You're so small that when it rains you're the last to know! Bin Laden vs Custer What do Osama bin Laden and Custer have in common? They both wondered where all those tomahawks were coming from. Sinbad: Lying to Women You keep asking me questions that you know I have to lie at. 'Do I look fat?' 'Nah, no.' If you wasn't fat, you wouldn't have asked. That's why you asked the question. Skinny people don't say, 'Do I look fat?' Skinny people say, 'Do you want to eat? Would you like to have a sandwich?' Sinbad: Obama Is for Everybody The world's gone crazy. You got people mad that we got a black president, but he's half white. We claimed our half; y'all get yours. There's some for everybody. He's got some for everybody. Demetri Martin: Revolving Door I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are. Demetri Martin: ATM Game I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away. Government vs. Mafia What's the difference between the government and the Mafia? One of them is organized. Walks Into a Bar... Sexy Lincoln An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago." Anniversaries and Toilets What do anniversaries and toilets have in common? Men always miss both of them. Lightbulb... Christians How many Christians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. The Bible makes no mention of lightbulbs. A Cat, A Plant, and Sea Monkeys What do a cat, plant, and sea monkeys have in common? All three have endured tragic deaths of neglect at my apathetic hands! Outlet What did the plug say to the socket? Socket to me baby!!! Tell Me Everything Tell me everything you know...I have a few seconds to waste. Yo Mama's Couch Yo mama's so fat, she uses a semi-trailer as a couch. Another Saturday Night Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes? Gives 'em something to do on Saturday night! Zombie Booty Call... Eyes I only have eyes for you. Glowing grey, milky, dead eyes. Yo' Mama Is Like... Beached Whale Yo' Mama is like a beached whale: stinky and tragic, but you can't help but stare. Men and the Toilet Seat Q: How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat? A: Who knows -- it's never been done. Intelligent Preference Q: Why do men prefer intelligent women? A: Opposites attract. Yoga Instructor Booty Call... Past In my past life I was a horse; now I'm just hung like one. West Virginian Women What do you call 32 West Virginian women in one room? A full set of teeth. He's So Lucky, He's A Star What do you call a redneck with a functioning car? Lucky! Pretty Woman in West Virginia What do West Virginians call a pretty woman? A tourist. Redneck Divorce Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? A: In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer. Rednecks at School You can tell when you're a Redneck when you walk with your son to school because you're in the same grade. Redneck Marriage How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck. Why did the city build a graveyard... Q: Why did the city build a graveyard across the street from the retirement home? A: So all the old people can see there futures! Sunroof You All Night Long Why do blondes like sunroofs? More legroom! Florida Orange Growers Q: Why did Florida orange growers offer O.J. Simpson $3 million? A: To change his name to Apple Juice. Flies in a Lightbulb How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but I don't know how they got in there. With a Y Q: How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: That's "womyn" with a Y, and it's not funny! Intelligent Preference Q: Why do men prefer intelligent women? A: Opposites attract. Bush Has a Short One Q: Bush has a short one. Sarkozy has a long one. Cher does not use hers. What is it? A: A last name. Another Saturday Night Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes? Gives 'em something to do on Saturday night! Ronald McDonald in a Nudist Colony Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony? A: Look for sesame seed buns. Yo Mama's So Fat... High Heels #2 Yo mama's so fat, she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops. Mimes What's black and white and red all over? Mimes in a chainsaw fight. Feminists Change a Light Bulb How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? 20: one to change the bulb, the rest to make a documentary all about it. Replacing Vanna Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White? A: They can't find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet. Lead Guitarists and Light Bulbs Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. The guitarist holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him. Art Gallery Nudes A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn." Homer's Favorite Ice Cream What is Homer Simpson's favorite ice cream? Chocolate-chip cookie DOH! The Hippie and the Spice Rack** With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local casualty ward and a hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions his long-haired colleagues. ''So what was he doing then?'' asks the physician. ''Acid? Cannabis?'' ''Sort of,'' replies one of the hippies, nervously thumbing his caftan. ''But we ran out of gear, so I skinned up a homemade spliff.'' ''And what was in that?'' asks the doctor. ''Um, I kind of raided my girlfriend's spice rack.'' says the hippie. ''There was a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a little paprika.'' ''Well, that explains it,'' the doctor replies, looking at them gravely. ''He is in a Korma.''
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