Joke of the Day

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Joke of the day

Comedy Central Joke

Julian McCullough: Drunk Girl Orgasm

Trying to get a drunk girl to finish is like trying to take a drunk girl home when she can't remember where she lives. She's like, 'That's not it, that's not it, that's not it.'

Walks Into a Bar... Vampires

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

Natasha Leggero: Male Comics

Male comics are always coming up to me, and they're like, 'Hey, Natasha, don't you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian?' And I'm like, 'Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?'

Jon Lajoie: Mysteries of the Universe

I have this thing that I do called 'Mysteries of the Universe,' when I gaze up at the countless stars and infinite galaxies. I realize how small and insignificant my girlfriend is. So, I get drunk and cheat on her with my 18-year-old neighbor.

Demetri Martin: Adult Toys

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy -- location, location, location.

Boiled Egg

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I don't think I can get hard, I just got laid this morning!

Ultimate Rejection

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?

A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Love and Herpes?

Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?

A: Herpes lasts forever.

Men and Snowstorms

Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?

A: You don't know when it's going to come, how many inches you'll get or how long it'll last.

Charlie Murphy: 6.5 Billion People on the Planet

To put that number in perspective, 6.5 billion people is so many people that anything that's humanely imaginable, as you imagine it, somewhere on the planet, there is a motherf**ker doing it.

Women and Bad Weather

Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?

A: They all get the house.

Pete Holmes: I Love New York

There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that it's impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Think about that, that's true. 'Cause you can hear anything, at any hour -- there's always something to blame it on.

Sinbad: Climb Mountains

Black people start making money and want to do stuff we would never do, want to climb mountains. It's right there -- you ain't got to climb it, you got a house. Why you gotta go outside and climb a rock?

Smallness

You're so small that when it rains you're the last to know!

Bin Laden vs Custer

What do Osama bin Laden and Custer have in common?

They both wondered where all those tomahawks were coming from.

Sinbad: Lying to Women

You keep asking me questions that you know I have to lie at. 'Do I look fat?' 'Nah, no.' If you wasn't fat, you wouldn't have asked. That's why you asked the question. Skinny people don't say, 'Do I look fat?' Skinny people say, 'Do you want to eat? Would you like to have a sandwich?'